Surfing

How lame is it that I am just now staring Faith straight in the face? I’ve not being able to pinpoint how I lost Faith, or how long I went without It, and now, in seeing Its re-emergence in my life, I have to ask, ‘what is Faith?’ How did It re-emerge, or more likely, how did I miss that it was here all along? Ah, sweet awareness! I am still not sure what Faith is, though I suspect it has something to do with my reclaimed feeling of surfing the Tao.

You won’t hear me prattle about religious faith, cuz that’s not where I’m coming from- though I’d say I’m somewhat of a Zen Buddhist/Taoist/Yogi/Earth Mystic. Enough for ya? It is has been through a vigilant, practical practice of noticing that Faith has re-emerged in my life, or that I have re-emerged to It. Not through prayer or belief. In fact, I am seeing quite clearly that belief and Faith are not the same thing, no siree, Bob. I’ve been down the prayer/belief road and found well nigh nothing there for me- perhaps some inspiration in ritual, which I hold a special place for, but few practical tools for living my life. I needed more structure and practical direction to get the gist of where The Universe was coming from. I’m not saying the prayer thing is of no use, I’m saying either it doesn’t work for me as I understood it, or I did not know what prayer really was about.

Some of my current thoughts on what Prayer is not:

Mumbling some mumbo jumbo in a building with a bunch of other folks where everyone droning on together sounds like a devil worship scene from a 70’s horror flick or a bad made-for-TV version of an Orwell classic.

Prayer is neither wishing, asking, begging, nor entreating (I love when I get to use ‘nor’).

Some of my current thoughts on what Prayer is:

a verb.

a doing.

a noticing and an awakening.

ultimate responsibility and ultimate freedom.

working it out with The Universe.

Being.

Prayer is all the above and none of the above (that’s the zen answer, thankyouverymuch).

Sub ‘Faith’ for ‘Prayer’ above. Same results.

Mirror Me This

Y’know, I’ve been singing forever. For more than years. And it was not until I’d taken on this particular practise of music, this discipline, that I really found just that: Discipline. A practise that is morphing, affirming, grounding, frustrating, painful, and delightful- a mirror, every day, a mirror held up to Being:
It changes as I do, but I continue anyway.
It shows me brilliance, and I water anyway.
It shows me pain and limitation, and I weed anyway.
It shows me endless fields of undulating potential, and I tend to it anyway.
It is a real, daily discipline of faith and wonder and transformation:

These things, methinks, are the difference between the hobbyist and the aspirant.

One definition of success is that there is no distinction between success & failure - R. Fripp.

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Music doesn't need to be about anything. It simply is, and that is by far enough.

It’s A Matter of Balance*

The learning never ends, I say. Why would I assume that it does? As I continue to interface with the creative-types I’ve always been involved with, I am now noticing some patterns- the way some people want to suck me into their drama, suck me into their agenda, in their strange unfulfilled need to have me (or someone) see things from their perspective. Maybe it is because I am such an empath, maybe it is because I am keenly aware that one of my physiological trips is trying to find replacements for older siblings- and that often creates a situation where I put myself in subordinate relationships. At least now I am onto all that and I am not just blindly reacting. I am not trying to change someone else, but I am changing.

A decision changes the world - R. Fripp

I have a tendency to want to agree with my friends and associates. I am finding now that it is ok not to agree. It’s ok not to want what they want. Isn’t that funny? So basic. I think this is at least partly because I am now getting clearer and clearer on what I want, and less and less sympathetic to what other people may want to use me for to achieve their aims. It so happens that due to the above, I’ve become extremely good at helping others’ do their thing- and in some ways, I had scarified my own needs on that altar.

I’m guessin’ this is what boundaries are all about. I find it shocking that I’d not seen this before, that I had not known this. It seems so obvious. It does, however, take constant vigilance, confidence, good old fashioned gumption, the sure-footedness of standing my ground, and of course, the biggie: the ability to say no.

*It's a Matter of Balance, Jacob, one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite people, Larry Reidt.