Monday, June 12, 2006
Basement time is history acting on us.
Ordinary time is awareness of time-flow.
Conscious time is knowing a present moment, and its extent.
Creative time is the future reaching back, pulling us towards it. – R. Fripp.
Not having a high pressure performance this weekend has helped me to take a good long look at my continued case of nerves. I wrote a blog entry that went unposted about some serious-ass performance anxiety, and how I did, or did not deal with it. Consequently, the incident that created so much anxiety went very well, and I did get the gig, so I must be doing something right. I am poised and graceful and professional, etc, etc, but it certainly does not feel like I am capable of doing my best with nerves shorting out my breath, and wiring me up.
One technique that occurred to my yesterday and that I will employ tonight, is based on acceptance. If acceptance is such a powerful state (golly, I have to find a better word for it, because acceptance, to me, feels like resignation. What about self-compassion? Hmmm….that sounds pretty good). So the idea is this: the anxiety seems to be exacerbated by wanting to change how I am feeling: I should be able to control this! Relax! It is ridiculous to be so nervous! Take deep breaths. You will do fine. This is not a critical situation, etc, etc. My encouraging internal litany goes on and on, and you know what? That fails miserably. So, what if I just observe my body’s reaction to the stress, without trying to employ techniques that attempt to change that physical state? What if I just say, Ok, this is how my body and mind are feeling right now. So what. I am not wholly those parts of me. They are like the ever changing cloud cover that sweeps across the sky- constantly morphing. I will observe, and be compassionate with myself under these stressful circumstances. Sort of like holding the hand of a terrified 2 year old. Just being there is enough. I am hypothesizing that attitude may rob the fight-or-flight state of some of its power. I have not tried it, so we shall see, and since I am my own Life-Lab, I am my own great, evolving, intriguing, exciting, experiment.
Looking forward to the drive to Galveston today.
*From a Nike commercial? I added it to my Oblique Strategies that are ever in my workspace.
