Monday, June 12, 2006
Basement time is history acting on us.
Basement time is history acting on us.
Ordinary time is awareness of time-flow.
Conscious time is knowing a present moment, and its extent.
Creative time is the future reaching back, pulling us towards it. – R. Fripp.
Not having a high pressure performance this weekend has helped me to take a good long look at my continued case of nerves. I wrote a blog entry that went unposted about some serious-ass performance anxiety, and how I did, or did not deal with it. Consequently, the incident that created so much anxiety went very well, and I did get the gig, so I must be doing something right. I am poised and graceful and professional, etc, etc, but it certainly does not feel like I am capable of doing my best with nerves shorting out my breath, and wiring me up.
One technique that occurred to my yesterday and that I will employ tonight, is based on acceptance. If acceptance is such a powerful state (golly, I have to find a better word for it, because acceptance, to me, feels like resignation. What about self-compassion? Hmmm….that sounds pretty good). So the idea is this: the anxiety seems to be exacerbated by wanting to change how I am feeling: I should be able to control this! Relax! It is ridiculous to be so nervous! Take deep breaths. You will do fine. This is not a critical situation, etc, etc. My encouraging internal litany goes on and on, and you know what? That fails miserably. So, what if I just observe my body’s reaction to the stress, without trying to employ techniques that attempt to change that physical state? What if I just say, Ok, this is how my body and mind are feeling right now. So what. I am not wholly those parts of me. They are like the ever changing cloud cover that sweeps across the sky- constantly morphing. I will observe, and be compassionate with myself under these stressful circumstances. Sort of like holding the hand of a terrified 2 year old. Just being there is enough. I am hypothesizing that attitude may rob the fight-or-flight state of some of its power. I have not tried it, so we shall see, and since I am my own Life-Lab, I am my own great, evolving, intriguing, exciting, experiment.
Looking forward to the drive to Galveston today.
*From a Nike commercial? I added it to my Oblique Strategies that are ever in my workspace.
Not having a high pressure performance this weekend has helped me to take a good long look at my continued case of nerves. I wrote a blog entry that went unposted about some serious-ass performance anxiety, and how I did, or did not deal with it. Consequently, the incident that created so much anxiety went very well, and I did get the gig, so I must be doing something right. I am poised and graceful and professional, etc, etc, but it certainly does not feel like I am capable of doing my best with nerves shorting out my breath, and wiring me up.
One technique that occurred to my yesterday and that I will employ tonight, is based on acceptance. If acceptance is such a powerful state (golly, I have to find a better word for it, because acceptance, to me, feels like resignation. What about self-compassion? Hmmm….that sounds pretty good). So the idea is this: the anxiety seems to be exacerbated by wanting to change how I am feeling: I should be able to control this! Relax! It is ridiculous to be so nervous! Take deep breaths. You will do fine. This is not a critical situation, etc, etc. My encouraging internal litany goes on and on, and you know what? That fails miserably. So, what if I just observe my body’s reaction to the stress, without trying to employ techniques that attempt to change that physical state? What if I just say, Ok, this is how my body and mind are feeling right now. So what. I am not wholly those parts of me. They are like the ever changing cloud cover that sweeps across the sky- constantly morphing. I will observe, and be compassionate with myself under these stressful circumstances. Sort of like holding the hand of a terrified 2 year old. Just being there is enough. I am hypothesizing that attitude may rob the fight-or-flight state of some of its power. I have not tried it, so we shall see, and since I am my own Life-Lab, I am my own great, evolving, intriguing, exciting, experiment.
Looking forward to the drive to Galveston today.
*From a Nike commercial? I added it to my Oblique Strategies that are ever in my workspace.
I battle with anxiety too. Every time I have a performance, I try to allow myself several hours alone in order to intentionally calm my mind. It really helps, but I imagine that there must be a better way... a more anxiety-ridden lifestyle. I imagine that if I did regular zazen, or yoga, or relaxation techniques then the anxiety would subside. But I haven't been able to fit any of these things into my busy schedule yet.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to check out articles about OCD... specifically the Pure Obsessional form of it. There are techniques that people use which are similar to the one you described. The best source I found was a site called OCD Online.
As I have gained more performance experience, I have found that my anxiety has been subsiding.
Interestingly, David Bowie experienced stage fright until only a few years ago. Hard to imagine.
I wish you peace.
My anxiety doesn't seem to go away with continued experience, but it is often dependant on performance circumstance- like solo vs. team, or repetition of the work over many performances. I hardly ever was nervous playing with my bands, but now that I am back to classical music, is seems to have re-emerged. I think that has to do with perfection and expectation: both very unhelpful!
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