My inbox was infiltrated last night by an unwelcome, unwanted and personally attacking email. Considering that I can occasionally, and rarely these days, be emotionally, how shall we say, ‘explosive’, I think I handled it all pretty well. I wanted to lash out in as scathing, hurtful, malicious and destructive way as I could muster and fume over every word of what I imagined to become a constant volley of hate mail, with myself ever triumphant, witty and cutting, reducing my opponent to a minuscule, insignificant blithering idiot. I would be ever victorious!
I didn’t do any of that. I did create a nice little Outlook rule to permanently delete any further incoming correspondence from the person so I wouldn’t even see it. Not a super satisying 'Take that!' moment. Yet, for me, amazing. Funny that I should actually be proud of that restraint. I imagine my Perfect Self would not respond any other way, it would be natural, unthinkable even, to do so. I am flagellating myself for not being more above it all, more graceful and more compassionate (I honestly question if I know what compassion is. That will be for a later exploration). I have a little moment of triumph, where I do not give in to my baser instincts and though I ought to be satisfied, I feel it wasn’t enough. Telling. Like nothing is ever enough no matter how right, big, noble, or fabulous the effort. But, clearly, I do not completely believe that.
Ok, breathe. I am just now, well over twelve hours after the incident (like it was some physical attack, and indeed, did feel like one) reminding myself to breathe. Take a breath in. Let it out. Pause. Wow. Twelve hours, and I am just realizing now I need to take a time-out.
Happiness!:
The new baby kitty, Herr Schauzer-biter (named for the obvious propensity implied), splashed around happily in the just-showered in tub this morning. That is joyous and gratitude—inspiring. Love it!
Plus I’ve just read some amazing stuff from Trey Gunn’s site that puts things inspiringly into perspective. If we are all not here to inpsire each other, than why? More later…
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