Rumplestiltskin

Spinning flax into gold. Those words just popped out of my mouth last nite while sharing libations with a friend. I don't often search for the reasons I do what I do in my creative life (as though I can make a delineation between my 'creative self' and my 'other self'. What other self?). I am uncommonly uncomfortable speaking about myself and my work. I figure if the work is doing its thing, it will speak for itself.

I am beguiled and entranced by beauty. Yes, often beauty that has become standard: classically beautiful works of art and music, virtuosic expressions available only to those disciplined and focused enough to put the time into the work for the alchemical process to happen (alchemical, alchemy. That is such a cool word. That is my new word. Thank you, MaryBeth!). I admit to not liking disharmony and dissonance in my life, at least not more that what can provide contrast. I cannot relate to the expression of disharmony for its own sake, or holding the artistic mirror up to reflect the hideousness that is all too prevalent in our world. Ok, so I am not that kind of artist. I am not fashionably provocative or edgy in my work. I do not have a political or social agenda to express artistically. Do I have political and social options? Am I appalled by the violence and horror that exists in the world? Certainly. Do I choose to express or reflect that in my work? No. So, the result is that my work isn't sexy. Giving myself permission to be as I am is part of the process.

The pattern of my self-expression through music, dance, performance and art has, in part, been an escape from what I perceive as the ugliness in my life and my inability to tolerate that: my family dysfunction, relationship challenges, self-worth as an artist. Admittedly, I hear Narcissus the American saying, 'Ooooooh, that is ugly and uncomfortable. Put it in the closet, sweep it under the rug, wall it off. Ghettoize'. However, there is catharsis in my work, not compartmentalization (ok, so I carry that a bit as well). But there is transformation. That which I struggle with is the flax the discipline of self-expression spins into gold. The pursuit of excellence (what is that?), and the time spent at the forge not only increases my skill in a practical way, but transmutes the mud into wine. Hopefully and eventually. My current manta is 'it is not a matter of if, only when'.