Ok, so I’m breaking my own rules. I am not posting the poetry I wrote yesterday during my Solipsistic Self-Pity Sunday.
So here is what I know: I was not loved unconditionally by my rearers. Boo-hoo for me. Join the big ole club. Thus, I am always trying to gain some kind of approval, prove myself, achieve whatever, etc. even though, I swear, I swear, I swear, I tell myself I am not.
How to get out of this dead-end loop?
Angry me is getting comforted. Looking forward to V-day tomorrow. I decided to post the poems after all. Go figure.
So here is what I know: I was not loved unconditionally by my rearers. Boo-hoo for me. Join the big ole club. Thus, I am always trying to gain some kind of approval, prove myself, achieve whatever, etc. even though, I swear, I swear, I swear, I tell myself I am not.
How to get out of this dead-end loop?
Angry me is getting comforted. Looking forward to V-day tomorrow. I decided to post the poems after all. Go figure.
Good workout. Still taking a much needed practice break. Reflection. Re-evaluation.
And I am loving the Olympics!
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Expecting too much from
Me, and me and me, and me
And You, and all those everyone else’s whoevers
And from whatever I find or seem to find myself in
Never enough from a barely surrogate tribe
I have surrounded myself
With everything not-enoughs
And can never be, be, be
Big enoughs
Or bright enoughs
And time is too closely guarded by whoever it is that keeps it
Cuz it clearly ain’t me
…….
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
You have dismissed me
Diminished my voice
My thoughts
Denied my being
It has never been
Clearly
Enough
To be
Me
Always having to produce something other than what simply is
For whose? Enjoyment? Do you really get enjoyment seeing me
Struggle like so many soul birds in mesh
To win attentions and empty accolades
Of dozens of years
To prove what to you? To who? To me?
Having been programmed and brainwashed to think
I was so deserving I didn’t have to do a thing
And then in realizing the lateness of it all quite and very capably within my reach
(with a dozen or so years more of time that I maybe don’t have)
Despite that, and perhaps because of it
I’ll always be much much more than you can take on
And I can go so much farther and far deeper and higher and wider and brighter and beautier than you would ever expect, or could ever do yourself and so there.
Ever guess
Standing there in your fucking suburban kitchen
Did you not realize (ha. like there is a spark of awareness there behind those I loathe to admit brown eyes we share, forchristsake)
That this would all simply make me think
Everything you think
And do
And are and represent is
Meaningless and nothingness-
Just as you treat me?
And guess what?
I am incensed that you even think I am part of whatever
Catholic brood you’ve emerged from
With their blank stares and unthinking fall-in-line take it for granted that I am like you all
Which, by the way, I am not
If you haven’t noticed
And sucking off my bright power will not make you like me, no matter how hard you try
Plus, dead people only decay into a rotting stink if they are not properly burned
You have dismissed me
Diminished my voice
My thoughts
Denied my being
It has never been
Clearly
Enough
To be
Me
Always having to produce something other than what simply is
For whose? Enjoyment? Do you really get enjoyment seeing me
Struggle like so many soul birds in mesh
To win attentions and empty accolades
Of dozens of years
To prove what to you? To who? To me?
Having been programmed and brainwashed to think
I was so deserving I didn’t have to do a thing
And then in realizing the lateness of it all quite and very capably within my reach
(with a dozen or so years more of time that I maybe don’t have)
Despite that, and perhaps because of it
I’ll always be much much more than you can take on
And I can go so much farther and far deeper and higher and wider and brighter and beautier than you would ever expect, or could ever do yourself and so there.
Ever guess
Standing there in your fucking suburban kitchen
Did you not realize (ha. like there is a spark of awareness there behind those I loathe to admit brown eyes we share, forchristsake)
That this would all simply make me think
Everything you think
And do
And are and represent is
Meaningless and nothingness-
Just as you treat me?
And guess what?
I am incensed that you even think I am part of whatever
Catholic brood you’ve emerged from
With their blank stares and unthinking fall-in-line take it for granted that I am like you all
Which, by the way, I am not
If you haven’t noticed
And sucking off my bright power will not make you like me, no matter how hard you try
Plus, dead people only decay into a rotting stink if they are not properly burned
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