Tea at Starbucks. Radical listening practice. Persistent headache. Cold and gray, little snow. Unrestful sleep. Princess and the pea bed: I can feel every spring poking up through the mattress and am certain there is an old, dried up, shriveled green pea under there somewhere and it feels like a boulder. No private time is driving me nuts. Feeling stifled and suffocated. Hours trickle by.
Inspired by Robert Fripp recording session I am watching….he is playing in blues and greens and for dark timbres, he adds some brown :) I like that.
Later Morning:
Still at Starbucks. Radical iPod listening practice continues. Dave working devilishly.
So self involved to think my little life experiences, thoughts, pains, loves, hates, minutia, etc are of such an individual and special nature that no one else has experienced them, that they are outside the realm of human everyday experience, singular to me. It’s laughable when I write that…What I feel is what I feel and that is that. How to not label good and bad? How to suspend judgment when faced with my emotional life, especially when I am in emotional turmoil? I am feeling selfish and resentful, I am not acting that way. So why the self flagellation? Why judge and attempt to censor how I feel or think? It is only the continual stream of morphing and changing thoughts and feelings floating across an ever-changing landscape. Whatever sense of control that is developed is from allowing what is to be, not, methinks, by suppression…
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Hell
Late Afternoon:
It’s freakin 4:10pm at is as dark as midnite in the bumfuck Northern state.
Little sleep on rock hard bed. Tea bag tea (good heavens) in microwaved water (egad) steeped in my Starbucks thermos. At least it was organic tea for cryin’ out loud.
Well, I’m in my own little Concentric Ring of Hell, probably unknown even to Dante: The X-Family-Step-Family Nightmare Ring. Definitely located below The Virtuous Pagans’ ring. I always thought that’d be a nice place to live. X-Family is a more fitting nomer than Step Family because it is more realistic of the actually circumstance. Step Family connotes some sort of normalcy that is supposed to exist- of course that is just an imaginary condition created by our culture and its inability to recognize that when things change they Change- they do not remain in some nostalgic fantasy state. X-Family, I think is actually too weighty: giving the impression that there was much of a family there to begin with and it sounds kinda cool and edgy, like X-Games or Gen-X (moi).
Its always a fucking crisis when I come here. If one doesn’t exist, it is promptly created upon my/our arrival. No point in going on about any of this, it just pisses me off and makes me feel invisible. You know what your mother used to say about if you’ve got nothing good to say….it’s worse: I have only bad things to say. Temporary alcoholism is a delightful solution to the stress- for me that means a glass of wine each evening.
I feel like all of my personal work is down the tubes because I hate being here so much. Selflessness isn’t one of my virtues- it’s not even a personality characteristic. This is simply a trip that gets in the way of the life I imagine(?) I’ve created for myself which exists a good 2000 miles from where I am physically sitting right now.
Lovely talk with Mum…that is the only glimmer of light here. We had tea and chatted about a woman’s right to choose, the nature of the Universe and Being, and the Christian Right missing the whole darn message they are supposed to espouse.
In any case, this is a Journal of Isness. And my Isness today is that this totally sucks. I am on a forced practice sabbatical which I am hating,- but I am trying to take my own advise of never underestimating the power of a break (this break is too long goshdarnit!).
I don’t really accept anything that exists up here, at all. Why does acceptance feel like defeat and resignation? Is that what acceptance is? I don’t know what the fuck acceptance is. I am accepting that this totally sucks and I hate this and I wanna go home and back to my life and my cats and singing and practice and Solstice Cat Cup and kitties and Backyard Possum.
This too shall pass.
Later Evening:
Everytime D kisses me I get butterflies….still.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Cat in Yard Make Good Meditation Partner
Ok, you have to say that with a B Movie Japanese accent.
Morning:
Tea in Solstice Cat Cup…listening to my very cool, enormous collection of newly cataloged MP3’s- how much does this rock? Yet more evidence that drudgery pays!
Zazen. I am not my thoughts.
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